Change: A Harsh Reality

I don't like when people ask whether or not you like to change. I feel like it's subjective. I like change when it's changing from an old car to a brand new one but I don't like the kind of change that causes you to reevaluate everything you've ever thought. 

However, I can honestly say that I've grown most during the times when there was extreme change and I couldn't do anything about it.

A few years ago I never would've anticipated living where I do, going to school where I do, and doing pretty much anything I do. I think that's universal though. You make your plans and you have ideas but ultimately, life pans out the way it does regardless. 

When everything first happened, my mom died, and I moved up to Tampa Bay, and the pandemic, I was obviously a disaster. I felt like I had not a single grip on anything going on. I was living in a new city, knowing no one, grieving, and taking on a global pandemic at 19.

I almost miss that time looking back. Obviously not the super depressed and in the middle of a pandemic part. But I think about how in that dark time, I was so determined to make the most out of what had happened. I remember feeling like every single day of my life was a scene out of a movie. I spent every day as the "main character" doing any bare minimum thing for an ounce of serotonin. 

My internal monologue was so abundant I couldn't deal with myself. Always thinking and asking a million different questions about who I am and what I believe. I was so scared of the change that was happening in my life as each day pressed on... until one day I wasn't. 

One day, I finally acknowledged all that I had pushed through. I had gone out and gotten multiple jobs, I went back to school, made a couple of friends, started dating, and even started taking on more bills. Even when I reread all of that, it still doesn't feel like I did all those things in the proceeding years of chaos. 

I realized that I had indeed changed, and not in the scary way that I was afraid of. I am more resilient and less fazed by adult problems. I don't ask for everyone else's opinion before I do something. I look in the mirror less. I'm more understanding. And probably a bunch of other things that I have yet to come to terms with.

The version of myself from before my mom died is still in me. Just as ten-year-old me and four-year-old me. The truth is that we never stop changing. It's how we grow with the change that makes the difference. Sometimes you can't control catastrophic change, but you can control how you handle it. 

Change is inevitable. Staying true to yourself and what brings you joy will always come full circle.